Better to have Loved and Lost?
by Kitai Shinsei
Summary: Set in episode 23. Contains spoilers. From Vash's perspective, after losing another person he cared about.


Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun. I don't even own the CDs with the fansub on them. Those belong to my friend. Heck, I don't even own the computer I'm writing this on! So you can't sue me! XD

Title: Better to Have Loved and Lost?

Rating: T+

Warnings: Angst, character death, strong hints at male/male relationships (This is ME we're talking about). Don't like, don't read. Click the back button now if you don't like this sort of thing.

Spoilers: Episode 23. If you have not seen Episode 23 then turn back now if you do not want to be spoiled. It really is a doozy. I'm serious. Turn away now, because even the author's notes contain spoilers.

Notes: I don't know if this has been done before, but I've never noticed. This is set in Episode 23, where Nicholas dies. It's from Vash's perspective, and how I think he might have reacted to finding Nicholas's body. I start at the point in the actual story where Nicholas and Vash have their conversation about mortality, so I have quoted there. More or less. I don't own the gist of what they're saying there anyways.

Any Japanese I have used will be translated at the end of the fic.

He was in pretty bad shape. Vash could tell that without looking – he could smell the blood and gunpowder on his skin and clothes, mingled with the usual smell of cigarettes. Vash didn't need to look up, to know Nicholas was worried about him.

"What's wrong?" A simple question.

"I failed to save another life." A simple answer. Vash didn't feel much like elaborating. He sat on the side of the car, his hand over his mouth. He felt like being sick.

"Oh well, every mortal man is bound to make mistakes." Vash still didn't look at him, but felt concern building in him. Nicholas sounded like he was in a lot of pain, and the smell of blood was strong, so strong. But he still didn't look up. He kept seeing Caine holding the gun to his own head, pulling the trigger… Vash hadn't been able to stop him.

"It isn't something I can accept so easily."

"Then let it get to you." At that, Vash did look up, reflective glasses hiding the look of worry and concern that flashed across his eyes at his friend's appearance. Nicholas _was_ bloody, and grazed, but he hid it so well… was he truly badly wounded? Or was it Vash's imagination, or not _Nicholas's_ blood? To his relief, a smile, thin, worn, but still a smile, flittered across the priest's face. "That is also the mortal way of life."

Vash looked away again. "Ningen, ka?" He couldn't stop the wistfulness and pain that crept into his voice.

"Knives is in Demitrihi."

Vash's eyes flew open. "Knives…?" Then they narrowed, dawning suspicion bubbling up within him. "Wolfwood… how do you know that?" He looked to the other man again, but Nicholas was gone, leaving him alone in an empty street, in an eerily empty town.

A flash of colour caught his eyes and he looked to the dusty road below him. So it _was_ Nicholas's blood. Dammit! He should have realised. There was a lot of it; the priest was badly hurt, very badly. "Kuso…" he muttered to himself, getting to his feet and following the trail. Here he was feeling sorry for himself and his… friend… was shot, bleeding. Dying? No, Nicholas wouldn't die. Vash knew, Nicholas had too much to live for. He was hurt, that was all. Vash would find him, and then take him back to the girls, patch him up and yell at him for smoking, and Nicholas would call him Tongari and it would all be fine.

It would all be just fine.

The grizzly trail led through the doors of the town's abandoned church. Vash gave a wry grin. It figured that the man in black would be there. He stepped through, eyes adjusting from the brightness outside to the dusky twilight of indoors. He walked slowly, but even his quiet footsteps echoed. He could see Nicholas kneeling near the altar, leaning on his giant cross-gun for support. Vash could hear him muttering something to himself, and then his hand fell to the floor.

Vash stood still, along with his heart, felt something cold slide into his stomach and refuse to melt. Nicholas was quiet and still… so still, and Vash knew even then but…

"Wolfwood? Nicholas?" He said, in barely a whisper. His eyes were wide, and he felt tears building in them, again, as they so often did these days. He began walking again, dread filling him. There was so much blood, so much of it. "Nicholas…" His voice wobbled, cracked. "Iie desu… iie…" He reached the priest and touched his hand, that small movement disturbing the delicate balance of man and gun, and both fell to the floor, metal sounding disturbingly loud in such a quiet place.

"Iie… onegai…" Vash placed a hand on Nicholas's shoulder. "Kami-sama… onegai… not again, not another one…" If only he'd gotten there sooner, if only he'd realised and not been so fucking self-centred.

Something broke inside Vash. "Nicholas… NICHOLAS! _NICHOLAS!" _As if yelling would bring him back, force his soul back into his body. Vash grabbed him and pulled him up, kissing him desperately on the mouth. "Nicholas please… I never told you, I wanted to, I wanted to tell you… Onegai… don't do this, don't die, not now. Nicholas!" It was useless, Vash knew. But he couldn't stop. "I love you Nicholas… come back, onegai… Don't you hear me? I love you, I LOVE YOU!" Sobs tore through him as he held the cooling body of the priest close to him, heedless of the blood that stained the red trench coat a slightly different shade.

Meryl found them like that almost half an hour later. It took a long time to prise Vash from the body of Nicholas D. Wolfwood. She couldn't stop crying. Vash had gone beyond tears.

Telling Milly was the worst. Meryl told Vash that she suspected they had slept together, and Vash wasn't surprised. Nicholas had slept with a lot of people, Vash included, when there was nothing to do. The gunman thought, hoped, that of all his partners, Nicholas cared the most for Milly, and Vash himself. After all, they had travelled together for a long time.

But Vash never thought he would ever miss someone as keenly as he missed Rem. And he did, despite everything, he did. And he knew that it had to stop, the killing, the pain. So he would do what Rem said.

He would take care of Knives.

Owari

Ah, angsty death fics. I remember writing these so much as a kid… well… four years ago… that counts as being a kid. XD

Translations:

"Ningen, ka" – Ningen human/mortal. Ka… I assume makes it translate as "Human, huh."

"Kuso" Shit/damn.

"Iie" No. The "desu" adds emphasis (It's actually a quote by Hinamori from Bleach)

"Kami-sama" God.

"Onegai" Please.

I think that's it. Please clicky the little review button at the bottom. It's been a long time since I wrote something, and I'd like to get a nice response. Puppy eyes


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